Picture of man with wild hair and freaky sunglasses

Ode To The Nice Guys

Guy holding an umbrella in the middle of a field

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that seem to always finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and complaining about what a**holes guys are while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. this is in honor of the guys that continuously reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are a the appropriate moment because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

A picture of a bunch of liquor bottlesThis is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always pay by the rules in a game where the rules favorite cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but   don’t end being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

Picture of a man holding a cell phone

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in Call of Duty to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world from grade school. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “Oh but we’re just friends!” and even though you were invited purely as the wonderful friend you truly are, you went anyways. Because you are nice like that.

Girl covering face with hands

Nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing is that nice guys don’t get the girl as often as they would like. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed and what I have learned from talking to friends in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulated pains in the butt. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational confusing things such as “Oh, he is too nice to date” or “He would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “He already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out” or the most frustrating of all; “No, it would ruin our friendship” yet they continue to lament about the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they said (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to be with this complete a** now!). But one thing I can do; is say that nice-guy-finishing-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of the thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

A guy in a black hoodies looking down.

So, until those girls are found, I propose I toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and you know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escort services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy and absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledge and my gratitude goes out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well-deserved vindication is coming






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